DECENCY is about SHOWING UP

 

I’ve heard the saying, “Love shows up.”

I’m going to lower the bar here and not address love, but just elemental decency between people.

 

Some time ago, our hot water heater broke. In the dead of winter, we only had cold water until this could be remedied, which took a few days. I, in need of a shower, asked the next-door neighbor if it would be possible to shower at their house. Neighbor said, “Sure.”

A few hours later, I called to ask if it was convenient right then. Next-door neighbor got the message (message apps tell you this) and read it (message apps tell you that, also) and then, to be sure it wasn’t a single miscommunication I sent a text on another app we had communicated on as well when neighbor needed something from us.

 

And…

 

I was ghosted. Not a “not right now,” or “I’m not home,” (neighbor was home, as they are next door, so we can see them) or even “my shower is in bad shape,” though next-door neighbor has at least two full bathrooms.

 

I thought about the countless times this neighbor has asked us for help, assistance, tools to borrow, jobs neighbor had difficulty with and more. A hundred times would be an underestimate. We always helped promptly. It’s not that we are exceptionally good people, we just practice being decent. Until then, we had never asked Neighbor for anything.

 

I was ghosted by a neighbor whom I can plainly see from my window. To this day, not a mention of this, and I’m not bringing it up. Neighbor has shown what sort of neighbor and human they are.

 

I thought about another friend from long ago who opted to ghost, then showed up years later as if nothing had happened.

 

I think basic decency itself should propel anyone not to do this. Any reply, even one that says “I need space” or “I’m sorry but I’m in a funk” or “this isn’t working for me”--- ANYTHING, while not a happy response and requires a version of showing up, is more decent.

 

Time passed, and I remained polite with Neighbor. When next neighbor asked for something, I said, “Yes,” and did it. But my smile is gone.

 

Show up, people. Show up. Don’t leave anybody in your life high and dry.

IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND WHO DRAWS, WRITES, OR PERFORMS...

You may know the brilliant children’s book series IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE. This post is not about that if, but about the inevitable creative friends you have (I sure do) whose output you are aware of.

My personal experience is on both sides of this aisle. I’m one who writes and the mother of a performer and the sister of another. I’m an audience member and art-lover. I’ve read plenty on writers and illustrators’ chat boards and heard even more in personal interactions.

This post is about how well-meaning friends and relations manage to inadvertently stick daggers into the creative bubbles. It’s one thing if they intend to, but this is about the unintended insults born of (let’s be generous here) ignorance.

The most common ones are going into the list below. Feel free, in the service of enlightenment, to add in the comments.

The first one is the biggiest of biggies.

*Don’t ask to read/see/listen to your friends’ creative work and then say nothing. If you can give constructive criticism, that is helpful. You can always couch it with what you genuinely thought worked. But saying nothing is the worst. If you really thought it was not good, say something, and don’t ask again. One writer I know said a relative walked over to tell him she had read his book. Then, you guessed it, nothing. Relative changed the subject.

Don’t. Do. That.

*Don’t offer advice about something you know less than little about. A writer on a chat-board lamented her husband told her she should “storm the acquisitions meeting” at a publisher, after her agent told her the manuscript was going to acquisitions that Tuesday. Maybe in husband’s business this is done, (doubtful) but a more likely explanation for this sort of advice came from seeing movies or reading “take charge of your life” silly how-to books. Similar nonsense advice is to pester published writers for “their connections.” This is how corporate America works, but not fine publishing.

*Be fair and accept that if you don’t like something, someone else might like it. Creative output appreciation is subjective. Professional reviewers ignore this stance, as they must convey confidence and the illusion their assessments are objective. They are paid to believe this and make us believe. Don’t. Be. That.

Reading the above, it is tempting to never ask to see or hear others’ work. But if you’re genuinely interested and your creative asked for your advice, be a good friend and do the best you can. If you know you can’t, be a good friend and say you can’t.

My Beta readers are the bestest and I try to be half as good to my friends as they are to me.